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Faiza
25/07/01 Dear Dr. Sina, I wish to commend you on your most excellent and
informative website. I am a free thinker also, although my current situation
does not allow for me to reveal myself publicly because of my husband, who would
probably declare our marriage void if he knew what I truly believe.
Although he is a Muslim and determined to stay as such, he is not a
fundamentalist: Born in Egypt, he is one of those people who is very much
against terrorism, insisting that it is not "true Islam". He is
Muslim due to the circumstances of having been born to Muslim parents and
eventually meeting a "sheikh" through a circle of friends when he was
in his teens. It was the meeting of this man, who preached about the
horrors of the so-called "torture in the grave" and
"hellfire" that eventually cemented in my husband a fear of this deity
called "Allah", a fear prevalent in people who follow this religion. I must admit that I, too, was frightened of the threats in
Islam until recently. I would like to share this with you because it is a
fine example of how we, as humans are prone to fear, which, in my opinion is the
driving factor of religion. A few years ago, I started at the point I am
now, believing in a higher power much as you describe but rejecting conventional
Judeo-Christian and Muslim beliefs as "myths". Then late one
night, I was flipping through channels (insomnia) when I came upon a program
about people who have had near-death experiences. There was one woman
whose heart had stopped beating during surgery. She described a beautiful
after-life, available to all, a higher power, loving to all, which she described
as the light-in-the-tunnel about which most of us who have seen such programs
have heard. She was saying how she no longer feared death. I had
a tremendously wonderful feeling after hearing this woman's story. I
thought about this quite a bit in the next few days...I also thought about the
traditional concepts of "hell" in various religions. I must have been doing a lot of thinking because,
inevitably, this concept worked its way into my dreams. A few weeks later
I dreamed that I was climbing a staircase. On the edge of each step stood
creatures I could not see clearly, although I know they were there. As I
climbed the staircase I said to one of them, "There is no hell."
And "it" replied, "No, don't say that, there is a hell."
"Really?" I said, "What's it like then?" "It is
like this," said the creature, and, as soon as these words reached my ears,
I fell from the staircase and plunged into a void, and, as I fell, I had the
feeling of being smothered by ever-increasing darkness. Like falling into
a pool of viscous ink. I have a pretty nifty imagination, don't you think? (There
might be a career for me as a novelist. Although, I don't think I can match the
description of your visit to heaven, which I enjoyed reading on isisforum.com).
Anyway, that was my take on the dream, and I thought nothing about it after
that. A year later, after I was married, my husband, while trying to get me to become "a serious Muslim" told me about something the Muslims believe in called the "sirat", the bridge to heaven. Sinners supposedly slip off this bridge and plunge for many years until they reach hell. Now, as you can see, I got a twinge
of fear hearing this. No, make that massive fear. As a result, I
spent a good six months under the "trance" of Islam, reciting the
Fatihah ad nauseam so that I could get it perfect for when I performed the
prayer. And I started to study the Koran. But, thankfully, my search did not stop there. I made
it my quest to research this "wonderful" religion called Islam.
I used my husband's extensive personal library, and, of course, the internet.
I am thankful for this curiosity because, had I not ventured to learn more about
Islam, I might have become one of those people who post chastising messages
against your website. I saw the Koran for what it really is: a bunch
of rehashed Bible stories, legends, and half-baked theories peppered with
threats and served under the guise of poetry which is actually quite mediocre,
at best. At this point I can almost hear all those Muslims out
there, "May Allah curse you!", "You will go to hell just
like you dreamed!", and many other far harsher descriptions of reprimand
from both human and divine sources. What more can I say to them, that you,
Ali, have not told them through this site already? Human fear may be the
most powerful emotion of all. Fear is fed by all things unknown. It
is the puzzlement of primitive man when he sees strange things he does not
understand, like women who menstruate every month but do not seem to wither and
die from the bleeding. It is the boogeyman in a child's closet. It is the
knowledge that we all die, and that no one can stop it. Fear is the tool that molesters employ with children so
that they can continue to do so for years with a simple "if you tell I will
kill your parents." That's not so different than, "Do this or
else I will cut off your hand/foot/head." Or, "Do this or Allah
will plunge you into the hellfire." It's all about interpretation of unknown situations. My husband loves Jesus the way Muslims do. As a result, he has had numerous dreams of Jesus. A person ready to accept Christianity would have interpreted that dream as a sign to leave Islam and accept Christianity, whereas my husband is a Muslim who also dreams of Mohammed. He therefore interprets this dream as a sign of the validity of Islam. I know of a woman who once dreamed of a man who glowed like gold and
was riding a horse. Someone told her that this was "St. George".
So she believed it, and now is a devout Christian. Muslims need to realize that they are not the only people
who have been given so-called "miracles" and "blessings", as
well as "signs" appearing to be from God. If Islam is so
universal, why do some Christians receive healings when they go to shrines
bedecked with crosses and things that God supposedly despises? These healings
are well-documented. I read of a woman whose severed spinal cord fused
"miraculously" as she recited a verse in the New Testament. Is
God in the business of tricking people by giving them miraculous signs so that
they may fall astray? If so, then that implies that God hates every person
except the ones born to Muslim parents or the ones who come into contact with
Muslims. And if these so-called "kafir" people receive healings
from Satanic sources, then what makes the Muslims so sure that the Koran is not
from Satanic sources either? After all, if "Satan" can heal
people miraculously, then it is not a big task for him to compose a poem with a
few stories and so-called valid scientific information. Of course, debating the issue from either side is ludicrous. There are entire countries out there filled with people who never get a chance to know what Islam is about. I asked my husband this, in the guise of wanting to know the truth, and he was not able to answer me. Shrugs and something about "Allah's Will". Again, I don't think his fear will allow him to explore this further because it is very devastating to most people when they venture out of their comfort zones.
Likewise, there are people out there who live their whole lives under the shadow
of the Koran, never encountering any other point of view. The truth is
that people believe what they are told and very few try to venture beyond this. It was very painful for me to shed Islam. Because
when I let go of it, although I felt relief at the separation. I also felt a
void, a wound that bled invisibly as I tried to go about my daily life, and I
desperately searched for something, anything, to soothe it. For weeks I
tried to hang on to another religion as a bandage, but each attempt left me with
doubts: Is this the right way? What if I'm wrong? But I eventually
realized that the best way to go about it was to just let the wound heal by
itself, no bandages, no crutches. So I wish to thank you, Ali, for your website because I
found material there that helped me confront and conquer my fears. Just
like a parent who leads a child to the very closet that houses an alleged
boogeyman so that he can see that, indeed, there is no such boogeyman. I
needed someone to do that for me, and, even though I have never met you, your
willingness to put yourself on the line and write the truth on this and other
websites is exactly what I needed. As soon as I came to grips with the truth, I am completely
at peace. Even more at peace than I have ever been in my entire life.
I sleep very well. No visitations from any divine source to warn me about
my decision. I take this as a sign of sanity. Since I have let go of the
fear that "Allah" was going to "get me", my nights have been
remarkably peaceful and nightmare-free. A few weeks ago, my husband told me a story about a man who
lived to a very old age and died twenty years ago. All his life this man
preached Islam and was even the one who called the Adhan (Muslim call to prayer)
in his little town every day until his final illness. On his deathbed, he
asked his family—he had had several sons and daughters who in turn had
families of their own. After his family came to him, he asked for a copy
of the Koran. He had tears in his eyes, so his family thought that he was
going to recite a part of it for one last time, as they had seen him do so many
times in the past. But when they put it in his hands he said, "I
hereby renounce everything written in this book. It is a lie."
And then the man died. I was speechless when I heard this. I could see myself in this man, hopelessly "trapped" in the role carved out for himself, afraid to tell others that he had found out the truth. I also wondered when this happened, exactly. Did he find out at the end of his
life? Or did he go through decades of torturous pretense? I asked my husband why he thought the man did this. My
husband gave me the explanation given by his "Skeikh": That the
man probably had too much vanity when he preached. That because of this,
Allah sought to punish him by willing for him to utter these words right before
he died, so that he would be denied the rewards of the hereafter. At this point,
I was appalled at my husband's "Sheikh" for saying this of an
supposedly all-powerful deity. It makes "Allah" sound not
only angry, but downright malicious and petty. Again, it's all about
interpretation. I am in the process of assessing my relationship with my
husband. I know that I cannot tell him without divorcing him, and I need
to consider not only myself but my children as well. My husband is not a
malicious person, but who knows what he might do if he is provoked by the
realization that I have apostated and do not wish to go back to Islam? I
might gather up enough courage to run and build a life where I should not hide
my belief. Or it may well be that I, too, will be like that old man, brave
enough to tell the truth only on my deathbed. Sincerely, Faiza Dear Faiza, This is a great testimonial. Thank you very much for sharing it with us. One point though I would like to say in respect of the dreams. Dreams are not messages from other world. They are messages from our own subconscious mind. Often dreams reveal our feelings that we had in the past and also the future. You can also dream the thoughts and the feelings of other people. People of all religions dream and in their dreams they see the personages that to them are sacred. Dreams reflect what is and some times what will be in their own subconscious. By dreaming that the hell is like falling, you dreamed and experienced the fear of your future husband. In my early youth I was invited to a Jehovah Witness Kingdom Hall. While I was sitting there not understanding what they were saying for my lack of knowledge of the language I thought to my self how strong will be the faith of these people if someone put a gun on their head forcing them to recant. This was just a thought. The next day a lady that I knew told me that she had dreamed me entering in a church forcing people to recant by blandishing a gun. Her dream happened a day before I visited that church. She dreamed my future thoughts. In your dream you experienced the fear of your husband. You are very intelligent for not relying on dreams as the source of your guidance. Dreams cannot reveal us the truth. They only reveal our past and future feelings and sometime the feelings of other people who are close to us. My parents live in another country but every time something happens or is going to happen to me that affect my emotionally, my parents dream it. Ali Sina
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